ER Etiquette 101.

You know all those Martha Stewart books about etiquette and manners and party planning etc.? Well, here is a little guide I would like to send to everyone who ever plans on going to an ER. These are based off real events.

(First, I would like to put a sign outside of every ER that says: STOP! This is an EMERGENCY room, if you do not have an EMERGENCY, please return to your vehicle.) Apparently that would be inappropriate, but much needed in my opinion.

1. If you have had leg pain for 5 years, it is not an emergency. Please go see your PCP, if you don't have one, go to the health department.

2. If you have dry skin, it is not an emergency. No, I am not kidding.

3. If its raining outside and you want a turkey sandwich, it is not an emergency.

4. If you come in spitting at nurses like a pit viper, you will get a net put over your head which is not a good look.

5. If you need to get abscess I&D'ed, yes it will be uncomfortable, but please do not scream your head off like your dying. You are not dying. Please remember the person draining your abscess is armed with a scalpel so while you are flailing around like a crazy person, think about that. Also, a 14yo boy sat through it like a champ and so can you.

6. If your drunk, that's fine, but don't be rude. Just sleep it off quietly and don't bother anyone else.

7. If you think you are pregnant, that is not an emergency. The sticks you pee on from CVS work just fine. If you can't afford those, maybe you should think twice about having unprotected sex....I hear babies are kind of expensive, just sayin.

8. If you are a new parent and your kid is sick or acting weird and your scared, please bring him/her to the ER. Even if nothing is wrong, you will not be turned away and we understand. Kids can get real high fevers over something as small as an ear infection and that's scary.

9. Please save the ambulances for those with chest pain, trouble breathing, burns, stroke, trauma, and not for your "finger pain" or vomiting.

10. Be patient. Lab results and radiology reports aren't magical documents that appear out of thin air, someone has to interpret them and relay them to your provider. If you've been waiting a long time, politely ask for an update. Remember, you catch more flies with honey than vinegar.